The Parable of the Good Atheist

(a 2012 re-imagination of Luke 10:25-37)

One day in 2012, a church deacon ran into Jesus at a church spaghetti dinner to raise money for the new organ. “Jesus,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What does the Bible say?” he replied. “What do you get out of it?”

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“That’s totally right,” Jesus replied. “Sounds like you’ve got it.”

But he wanted to make sure he could pat himself on the back for being a good guy, so he asked Jesus, “And who’s my neighbor?”

Jesus said: “A gay guy from Indiana was on his way to the Chicago Pride Parade when his car ran out of gas in a dangerous neighborhood. He was wearing a “Legalize Gay” t-shirt, and as he was trying to find a pay phone, he was mugged. They took his iPhone and his wallet, called him “faggot” and “homo,” kicked him in the stomach, broke his nose with a punch, and left him crying on the sidewalk.

A member of a prominent Baptist church happened to be in town protesting at a gay wedding, and when he walked by the man, he told him, “God hates faggots, you know. This is probably your punishment for living in sin. This is just a little taste of what hell will be like for you. If you’d repent and turn to Jesus, your life would be so much better.” He handed him a tract on the perils of hell and he walked on by.

Later, a woman who regularly listened to Jerry Falwell’s radio programs and considered herself very religious found the man, still crying. “I’d help you,” she said, “Honey, if you don’t repent of your ways, you’re going to end up with AIDS! It’s a horrible disease that God sent to punish the gays for their immorality. Why don’t we pray that God will have mercy on you and help you choose a righteous lifestlye?” And after she’d kneeled next to him and said a short prayer, she hurried by.

But an Atheist, as he was walking home from the grocery store with his arms full, heard the guy crying, and he took pity on him. He handed him his some tissue to stop the bloody nose. Then he loaned the guy his cell phone so he could log in to Facebook and let his friends know he was ok. He walked the guy to the gas station, bought him a gallon of gas in a container, and after they’d gotten the car to the gas station, he filled up his tank. He handed him a $20 bill, and his card. “Seriously, dude, have fun at the parade, and if you need anything else while you’re in town, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the gay guy who got mugged?”

The deacon replied, “The one who bought him a tank of gas.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”