I'm Gay Fat
I had considered posting some sort of “I’ve been in NYC oneyear, and this is what I’ve learned” blog post, but honestly, other than how tonavigate the subway system (EmbarkNYC iPhone app), where to get a cheap haircut (Clinton St Barber Shop), and where to get thebest homemade ice cream (Ample Hills Creamery), I haven’t learned too much over the past year. Exceptabout myself. And that the body image insecurities I’ve had since junior high gym class are still there.
Sunday night, I took a yoga class with Matt Giordano,and his reminder that “YOU ARE ENOUGH” nearly brought me to tears as he urgedus to enter our practice with humility while reminding ourselves that where weare is already good enough. (This was one of the messages of my blog post“Three Things Your (Gay) Christian Kid Needs to Hear from You.”) This has beena tough message for me to internalize this year, as I have struggled and failedto forgive myself for not maintaining a body that I feel is at its optimumweight and compares favorably to my peers in NYC.
No why would a gay man in NYC feel insecure about his bodyimage, you ask? Consider these examples:
AT THE GYM:
Robert Gant works out at one location of the gym I belongto,
as does Reichen Lemkuhl.
At another of my gym’s locations, I frequently see AndersonCooper
and Aaron Tveit.
At another, Andy Spear is a personal trainer.
But why wouldI compare myself to celebrities and personal trainers? Certainly that’s settingthe bar too high!
AT THE BARS:
We have shirtless boys dancing at the bars:
And shirtless bartenders:
GAY MAGAZINES:
Next Magazine, http://www.nextmagazine.com/content/issue/january-11-2013
featuring a different guy with abs on the cover every month
ONLINE DATING SITES:
I’ve tried Grindr, Scruff, & OKCupid, and there areshirtless photos on all of them! Sure, OKCupid tends to offer fewer, and themembers tend to be a little bit more focused on dating, but this is not alwaystrue. One of OKCupid’s questions (you answer questions to determine how wellyou match up with the other members) is “If one of your potential matches wasoverweight, would that be a dealbreaker?” The answers are:
Yes,even if they were slightly overweight.
Yes,but only if they were obese.
No.
No,in fact I prefer overweight people.
My answer is “Yes, but only if they were obese.” But themajority of profiles I come across in NYC have answered “Yes, even if they wereslightly overweight.”
Even on OKCupid, I’m lead to believe that I won’t find loveif I carry a few extra pounds.
So when I moved to NYC, although I’d recently run my 3rdChicago Marathon (Oct. 2011,) I decided that I wanted to work out and behealthy, and I weighed myself my first week at the gym. I was 180 lbs. For a 6’tall person, this is by no means overweight, but the scale also told me that Iwas at 15.6% body fat, and, as I looked around me at the gym, I realized I was“gay fat.” (Gay Fat = an acceptable weight for a straight man of my age, whichwould not be considered a socially acceptable weight for a gay man of the sameage.) And I decided that wasn’t what I wanted to be. I hit the gym.
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| Me, kinda doughy at 176 |
Around Easter, I was weighing in at 176, down 4 lbs. but by nomeans where I wanted to be, so I set out on an ambitious challenge, one many ofyou followed on Facebook. I decided I would give up alcohol for 90 days in aneffort to reach “THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE” by my 35th birthday. Alofty goal, but by no means unachievable. When I trained for the ChicagoMarathon in 2007, I remember I’d been down to 165 pounds, and I still like thepictures I see from that summer, so I decided that would be my goal. I startedbike commuting to work. I started working out with a friend who was a Pilatestrainer, and I tried to eat healthier.
At Memorial Day, I was down to 169 (a plateau I’ve figuredout my body really likes,) and when I returned to Chicago for the weekend, Igot glowing reviews from people who hadn’t seen me for months on how good Ilook 10 pounds lighter. I’d put on some muscle, too, and that was a realego-boosting weekend for me!
I added to the challenge and for the 6 weeks before mybirthday, I gave up all sweets and desserts. If you know me at all, you knowthat this was a huge deal. I have an insane sweet tooth. And I’d recentlydiscovered the best ice cream in NYC (Ample Hills Creamery, amplehills.com)which was a short walk from my apartment in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.) And in June,I encouraged my online friends to join me in “Jumpstart June” and do 20 minutesof exercise every day that month.
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| Me, July 9, at 163 |
Triumphantly, at my birthday, I weighed 163 pounds, I wastoned and my stomach was flat, and I was in the best shape of my life! I went outdancing in tank tops and felt great about myself, and it really was a greatsummer. I was even proud to run into an old ex-boyfriend at Industry on mybirthday weekend, and see that while I was thinner than I ever was with him, hehad put on a good 20-30 pounds and had a bit of a gut. I smirked.
Until the weight started to creep back on.
First, the return of alcohol and sweets into my life meantthat all the carbs I’d denied myself in my challenges came rolling back into mylife. Before I moved out of Brooklyn, I made every visit to Ample HillsCreamery that I possibly could. I ordered pancakes and French Toast at brunches,and I ate chocolate without abandon! I stopped tracking calories onmyfitnesspal.com because it made me feel bad for the calories I was consuming!(I told myself I was going to be more accepting and judge myself less harshly.)
Then, a busy fall. Back to back gigs kept me on the run.Overnight shifts requiring caffeine and sugar kept me from eating well and leftme too exhausted to go to the gym. Plantar fasciitis sent me to physicaltherapy and put a dead stop to my running. My move to Queens put a stop to thebicycle commuting that had been a great 45 minute exercise in the morning andat night. Hurricane Sandy gave me an excuse to sit at home and drink wine andeat carbs like there was no tomorrow. The excuses were endless!
Suddenly, I woke up. It was November, and I was back at 179pounds, just where I’d been a year before. And I was extremely disappointedwith myself. All of the lessons I’d learned about how to bring my body into itsbest condition had gone to waist (pun/misspelling intended.) I couldn’t squeezeinto my skinny jeans, and I was unhappy with how I was looking in the clothes Ilove (I do love clothing, if you don’t know me.)
I set about slowly hitting the gym again. No personaltrainer. No help. I know what to do. I started tracking my calories onmyfitnesspal and setting goals for myself. After physical therapy and somegreat new running shoes with great new orthotics in them (SuperFeet areawesome) I started putting in the treadmill time. Over the past 2 months, I’velost those 10 pounds and I’m back at my familiar plateau, 169. I haven’t givenup alcohol or sweets, but I allow them in moderation. There are a few things mypast year has taught me in relation to dieting that I now know work for me:
Have a goal (like my “best shape for mybirthday”). But when that goal is over, you have to have another onewaiting. You can’t just rest there at best. Because we never stop growing. Youcan’t stay stagnant. Sign up for a marathon. Start lifting weights. Trysomething new.
Losing weight is a simple formula: Caloriesconsumed – calories burned = weight loss or gain. 3500 calories = 1 pound.If you eat 3500 less than you burn in daily activity and exercise, you lose apound. Tracking this on myfitnesspal.com helped me to learn the basic caloriecounts of my common food choices, and helped me learn some of the things toavoid.
But the biggest thing I’ve learned out of this is thatSELF-LOATHING will not bring about healthy long-term change in your life.SELF-LOVE will.
When I set out to lose 15 pounds, I told myself that Ididn’t love myself for who I was, that I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasgoing to work hard to change it. A quote in HBO’s Girlsrecently hit home for me: “No one couldever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean thing someone’s gonnathink of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in thelast half hour!” (Hannah Horvath) I (David,) have been so hard on myself all mylife. I’ve demanded a ridiculous level of achievement and then expected myselfto also maintain a beach body year-round. And this summer, I succeeded. But it didn't last. This fall, when I gave myself love in the form ofsinging gigs I enjoyed, spending time with friends instead of at the gym, andeating what I enjoyed, my self-loathing lost the battle, but the way I wasloving myself put the weight back on.
NOW, it is my endeavor to exercise and eat right out ofSELF-LOVE. Because I love my body, I’ll give it a 3-mile run, which I knowmakes it feel so good. Because I love myself, I’ll go to yoga class, because Iknow I love how I feel, physically and spiritually, when I’m walking out of ayoga class.
Will I mess up? Sure. Will there be nights when I eat 3000calories in fried food and beer with my friends? Sure. Will I occasionally find motivation for my workout by watching Robert Gant do 20 pullups? Sure. But is this a New Year’sResolution for 2013? NO. This is a paradigm shift that I want to makefor the long run, and I think that if more of our gay community would focus on givinglove back to themselves as a motivationfor healthy living, rather than feeling the need to measure up or feeling thatnobody will love them without a six-pack, we would be creating a community moreprepared to offer that love and forgiveness to others. I’m prepared to forgivemyself for occasionally eating unhealthy, for skipping a workout, for cuttingout of cardio after only 20 minutes. But I’m also prepared to reward myselfwith a 4-mile run in Prospect Park, love myself enough to get up for longtraining runs on Sunday mornings, and love my body by giving it protein, fruit,nuts, and other healthy and delicious foods.
I deleted Grindr last week. One of the final straws was whena guy blocked me after he received the shirtless pic he had requested. Grindris only one of the things teaching gay men that other gay men are expendable,not human, but just a little square on a screen. It may be hard for me to meetpeople if I actually have to talk to them at a bar or a party, but I think thatif I talk to them, they’ll see that I’m a person who tries to love myself, andthat the love I have for myself offers them a measure of respect for thewonderful, human, complex person that they are. And I have to think that this will be abetter way to find true love than earning some six-pack abs and flashing apicture of them across my online profile. I'M NOT FAT, I'M JUST GAY FAT!
In 2013, may you have the humility to accept your body where it is, believe that you are good enough, and have the grace to show love tothe body God gave you, whatever shape it is.
XO,
David
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