Loving Yourself is a Practice

In 1992, the Christian rap group DC Talk released an album containing the song “Luv is a Verb.” At that time, I was a high school student struggling to love myself. People mocked my effeminate mannerisms, lisped their speech in my direction, and called me Girly-Man. My response was to desperately seek external validation. I joined student council, the band, the choir, practiced the piano, got straight A’s, wrote the youth group’s newsletter, tutored more popular kids, played soccer, anything to feel loved and find a reason to love myself. My youth pastor told me it was God’s love I should be feeling. Knowing that God loved me should make me feel worthy. I remember believing that my faith must not be strong enough. I read the Bible more, prayed more.

We’re bombarded with the idea that love is an emotion we feel, a warm fuzzy feeling. Romantic comedies give us an image of what it’s like to “fall in love.” But love is not just an emotion. As DC Talk says, “luv is a verb.” Loving Yourself is not a feeling you achieve. It’s not a destination you reach. It’s a practice. It’s a thing you wake up daily to attempt, however imperfectly.

When I was growing up, my parents took care of me. They did my laundry, fed me, clothed me, and gave me love and affection. They CARED for me because they love me. When I became an adult, I sought out people to care for me, to show me love. For boyfriends to give me that love and affection. For friends to give me a sense of belonging. And along the way, I learned that I ALSO have to care for myself. That’s what Loving Yourself means. Not just providing for your own food and housing and basic needs, but going beyond that to make yourself feel CARED FOR.

SELF CARE IS THE PRACTICE OF LOVING YOURSELF. It’s how Loving Yourself plays out in real life. Over the past several years, I’ve worked to implement some strategies of self care in my life that are not about pushing myself into a mold, changing myself, making money, or punishing myself for not being good enough. They’re ways of showing love to myself. Here are some of my favorites:

- Taking piano lessons
- Making pour-over coffee for myself in the morning
- Going to the gym
- Taking more time to stretch and foam roll after my workouts
- Going for long walks in Central Park
- Sitting at a coffee shop and reading a good novel
- Going out dancing
- Making myself a healthy meal and eating it slowly with appreciation
- Sipping a really good glass of red wine
- Writing Morning Pages, a la The Artist’s Way
- Going to a museum alone
- Painting my fingernails
- Watching comedy television with my boyfriend
- Singing songs at the piano just for fun
- Gardening: indoors and outdoors
- Meditating
- Going to physical therapy to decrease my movement pain
- Seeing a Therapist
- Vacationing on Fire Island with friends

 Sometimes I think: “DO I LOVE MYSELF?” How would I know? What does that look like? How does it feel? I think some better questions might be “Did I love ON myself today?” “Did I show myself compassion today?” Or “Did I practice self love today?” I’ve let go of the idea that I’m going to wake up some day and say “GOSH, I REALLY LOVE MYSELF.” Instead, I can wake up and decide, “I’m going to love myself today. HOW SHALL I DO IT?”

 What are your favorite ways of practicing Loving Yourself?