Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex?
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
Thursday night I headed out to dinner on a date, and as I approached the door of the restaurant, I saw my ex seated just inside the door with his new boyfriend, laughing and eating dinner. My heart stopped, and when it resumed, it raced. I turned and started walking away immediately. "We have to go eat somewhere else. We can't eat here." And we did. It's been six months, so what's wrong with me? Can't you be friends with your ex? This is a question that has always troubled me. Many of the people I admire in the world are very good friends with their former lovers, yet I don't seem to be able to do it. I always want to be friends with an ex, yet it rarely happens.
The first factor? Who broke up the relationship? Perhaps it would be easier if you both felt that the relationship was not going anywhere and decided to break up. I could understand that. In theory, if you like someone enough to date them, shouldn't you like them enough to want them as a friend? If one party ended the relationship without the agreement of the other, however, it's harder. I know I find myself wondering if I could have done something differently to make him stay. And when he moves on and begins a new relationship, I wonder, "What does this new person have to offer that I didn't have?" If he moves on too quickly, before I've moved on, I wonder "Why was it so easy to get over me?"
Obviously, the intensity of the relationship is a second factor. I have successfully parlayed short dating relationships (2 weeks, 2 dates, etc.) into beautiful friendships. When it becomes clear early in the relationship that it is not going to work out--before too many intense feelings develop--it seems to be possible to add that person to my circle of friends. If, however, any of the major lines have been crossed--moving in together, meeting family, etc.--I find that the break-up leaves me hurt enough to prevent any sort of close friendship from continuing. Am I too sensitive, that I can't listen to my ex talk to his new fling on the phone? Am I too immature to look beyond my relationship with a person and see them not as someone who hurt me, but as a valuable person with something to contribute to my life and the world? No one can say that I haven't tried, and really, isn't that all that I can ask of myself? I do find it easier to talk to an ex who hasn't really been in my life for 2 years, now that we've both been in new relatioships. As the hurt fades, I find it easier to think back on the good times. Perhaps you can only be friends with an ex if you are really over them--if you've really grieved the relationship and moved on. Was it Charlotte on Sex and the City who said that "it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it?" I don't agree. I think sometimes it takes longer!
I hope that the day will come when I can call up my ex and meet him for coffee. I envision us chatting about the old days, laughing about the good times we had. I want to leave that coffee happy, not wondering what would have happened if we'd stayed together, not wishing that he'd put more effort into making it work out, and fully content with the fact that we simply aren't meant to be together.
Until then, I'll always have a Plan B restaurant. :)
Thursday night I headed out to dinner on a date, and as I approached the door of the restaurant, I saw my ex seated just inside the door with his new boyfriend, laughing and eating dinner. My heart stopped, and when it resumed, it raced. I turned and started walking away immediately. "We have to go eat somewhere else. We can't eat here." And we did. It's been six months, so what's wrong with me? Can't you be friends with your ex? This is a question that has always troubled me. Many of the people I admire in the world are very good friends with their former lovers, yet I don't seem to be able to do it. I always want to be friends with an ex, yet it rarely happens.
The first factor? Who broke up the relationship? Perhaps it would be easier if you both felt that the relationship was not going anywhere and decided to break up. I could understand that. In theory, if you like someone enough to date them, shouldn't you like them enough to want them as a friend? If one party ended the relationship without the agreement of the other, however, it's harder. I know I find myself wondering if I could have done something differently to make him stay. And when he moves on and begins a new relationship, I wonder, "What does this new person have to offer that I didn't have?" If he moves on too quickly, before I've moved on, I wonder "Why was it so easy to get over me?"
Obviously, the intensity of the relationship is a second factor. I have successfully parlayed short dating relationships (2 weeks, 2 dates, etc.) into beautiful friendships. When it becomes clear early in the relationship that it is not going to work out--before too many intense feelings develop--it seems to be possible to add that person to my circle of friends. If, however, any of the major lines have been crossed--moving in together, meeting family, etc.--I find that the break-up leaves me hurt enough to prevent any sort of close friendship from continuing. Am I too sensitive, that I can't listen to my ex talk to his new fling on the phone? Am I too immature to look beyond my relationship with a person and see them not as someone who hurt me, but as a valuable person with something to contribute to my life and the world? No one can say that I haven't tried, and really, isn't that all that I can ask of myself? I do find it easier to talk to an ex who hasn't really been in my life for 2 years, now that we've both been in new relatioships. As the hurt fades, I find it easier to think back on the good times. Perhaps you can only be friends with an ex if you are really over them--if you've really grieved the relationship and moved on. Was it Charlotte on Sex and the City who said that "it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it?" I don't agree. I think sometimes it takes longer!
I hope that the day will come when I can call up my ex and meet him for coffee. I envision us chatting about the old days, laughing about the good times we had. I want to leave that coffee happy, not wondering what would have happened if we'd stayed together, not wishing that he'd put more effort into making it work out, and fully content with the fact that we simply aren't meant to be together.
Until then, I'll always have a Plan B restaurant. :)
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