"Three Things Your (Gay) Christian Kid Needs to Hear from You": A Response

When I posted my last blog (which over 600 people have read, thanks to your sharing,) I emailed my family to ask them to read it, and to ensure that they knew my intentions were only to do something good for the next generation. (If you missed the last post, read it here.) I received this thoughtful response from my sister, which she agreed to let me post:

Hi brother,

I read your blog post earlier this week and have spent some time thinking about it, especially in the context of my own life. As a child growing up in the same home 9 years later, my experience was different. In thinking about the reasons why, perhaps birth order (oldest feeling a greater pressure to succeed vs. youngest typically being more carefree) parents struggling for answers the first time around vs. maybe having a better idea by the time #5 came along, peers, etc., I can't say I can pinpoint a specific reason why our experiences were so different. I too faced my own struggles (and still do) throughout junior high and high school- of always being a "bigger girl", wanting to be in a relationship, wanting to be known and loved, and everything in between. But I can honestly say suicide was never something I considered. I am in no way trying to downplay what you went through, and I truly am sorry that you had to face so many difficult things. But if I tried to pinpoint it, I believe the reason why my life may have looked a little differently than yours is because, by the grace of God, I had a deep understanding of who I was in Him at a very early age.

I do hope to have kids someday- that is a desire of my heart just as much as I know it is of yours. I do believe you gave some good advice to all parents, but in my mind, mine would be a little different. The truth of the matter is, even if I do marry and have 2.5 children and a beautiful four bedroom home, I am never guaranteed tomorrow. I may die in a car accident while they are still young. As much as I would want to be, I will not always be there for them. I will let them down. I will fail; I will screw up. 

So while I will absolutely tell my children that I love them a million times a day, if there were three things I would want my children to know, it would be these:

1. GOD is enough.

My kids will be made fun of at some point in their life. If the problem of bullying continues to incline as it has the past few years, then by the time my kids enter grade school the likelihood that they will endure bullying is great. We live in a broken world, and people can be mean, cruel, and downright awful. But if I could give my child the gift of knowing who they are in Christ, it will be easier for them to weed out the lies from the truth. I will tell them they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:13-15). I will tell them God sees them (Woman at the Well in John 4). I will tell them God is bigger than any problem they may face, and that He has a plan for their life (Jeremiah 29:11). I will tell them His ways are perfect, and He will work everything out for good according to HIS perfect will (Romans 8:28). He is mighty to save and rejoices over them with singing (Zephaniah 3), He is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and He is the God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1). The truth is, I will never be enough for my kids- because more than my love, more than my approval, more than my pride- they need something bigger than what I can give them. They need Someone bigger- and I want them to know Him and to know that truth.

2. No matter what, GOD will always love you.

If I'm going to be a mom, I will screw up. I will yell at them when I haven't had enough sleep or enough coffee for the day yet. I will say hurtful things in my anger because I. am. not. perfect. But God, who is perfect in every way, will never fail. I want my kids to know that. I want them to know that He loves them with a perfect love- and it is deep and it is wide and it is more than we can even fathom (Eph. 3:16-19). I will tell them that their name is written on the palm of His hand, and before they were even born, He spoke their name (Is. 49). I will tell them that He cares for them more than I will ever be able to (Matt. 10:29-31).

3. My last one would be the same. It's okay to talk to someone other than GOD. Yes, kids need other adults that they can trust! Someone else to speak truth into their lives. This is something that, as a Children's Ministries Director, it is built into our curriculum on Sunday mornings. Each kid has a small group leader who knows them, and who they hopefully feel comfortable enough to talk to about their struggles. As someone who has been with the current group of kids for almost three years- I am blessed to be one of the ones they do trust. The adults that I want to be in my kids' lives will be ones that I trust to reinforce these same truths- that God is bigger than any problem they may face, and He will always love them.

Do I believe that by knowing these things, their problems or struggles will go away? Not by any means. Do I believe they are easier to face in light of these truths? Yes.

I love you David, and my prayer for you is this: "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (Ephesians 3:16-18)

I went to a conference yesterday and heard Sarah Hammitt (Matt's wife, www.bowensheart.com) talk on finding purpose in your struggles and purpose in your pain. I believe this is one of the only ways we will ever be able to make it through this life- to find purpose in our pain, to pursue it, and to ultimately live to glorify the One who made us so fearfully and wonderfully.

Love you,

Abby

My response to her was this:

This is beautifully written, Abby, and I know that you'll be a wonderful mother someday. What I think we're failing to understand for gay youth in the church, however (even if we pretend they're not there and don't talk about them) is that they're getting the message that "God Hates Fags" (thanks to Westboro Baptist Church), that homosexuality is the only unforgivable sin, and that they will not have a church home (my church took me off the special music schedule when I came out to a pastor) if they come out honestly about their sexuality, which I believe is predetermined and unchangeable. As much as I tried to change my sexuality: through prayer, through counseling with Christian counselors, through dating women, through memorizing hundreds of Bible verses, I could not. I went to as many Bible studies and church services and church camps as revivals as any kid I know! And I honestly believed in God’s love, my salvation, and all of the scriptures I memorized. But as a teen, I was never able to figure out the mixed messages I was receiving about God’s feelings towards gay people.

It's not okay to make fun of minority kids anymore, but we still tolerate calling things "gay," or kids being called sissy or faggot.

Someone who's being told that God made them the way they are, but that he won't let them into heaven if they're gay, simply can't receive the message that God is enough, or that he cares for them. We're telling these kids that the only way to go to heaven is to deny themselves love, a partner, a marriage and kids, and live a lonely abstinent life. Maybe that's too hard a pill to swallow and still have hope.  

Much love,

D

This may prompt further discussion, and I encourage comments.