You're Never Gonna Get Over Your Ex

You're Never Gonna Get Over Your Ex...

Over the course of the past 2 months, I have had the unfortunate experience of being "dumped" by 3 different guys, all of whom said (after 5-12 dates) that they weren't over their ex. In each case, I knew a varying amount of information about their exes, and they had been single from 2 months to a year. But this isn't for me to speak in depth about their situations. In each case, I was disappointed to see it end, because these were great guys. I don't make it past a 3rd date with that many people- I'll admit to being rather picky. I'm 35. I know what I'm looking for. 

I've been in the shoes of these guys before. I've gotten to the point where I wasn't emotionally ready to take the next step, and I respect the emotional maturity that allowed them to admit that to themselves and then tell me about it. And I've had my fair share of break-ups, after 1 month, 3 months, 2.5 years. I've learned a few things along the way that can help a person get their heart ready to open up and allow new relationships to begin. I'm sharing this not necessarily for these 3 guys (I doubt that any of them will find this blog) but for anyone out there who is ready to move on and may not know how to go about it. I wish these guys had taken some of these steps before I'd met them. Maybe we would've had a chance. 

But here goes, in no particular order...

You're Never Gonna Get Over Your Ex...

-IF you don't take some space. If you've dated someone for any length of time, there is something redeeming about them. There are qualities you'd like to have in a friend, and maybe you'd like to quickly make them your friend. You may share common friends, and don't want to make group gatherings awkward. But for some indefinite time (it varies greatly) you need to take a break from hanging out with, texting with, and talking to your ex. Each interaction slows the healing process by opening up old wounds. Even if you truly believe that you shouldn't be with this person anymore, just being in their presence can injure you. You may be reminded of a good time that you had in the past. Their smile might remind you how attracted to them you were in the beginning. Take some time to focus on yourself, spend time with friends, reinvest in work, and let your mind free itself from thinking about this person all the time. They may not understand, and you may need to set guidelines, asking them not to contact you. If they love you, they will respect this and give you space to heal. 

-IF you don't forgive. Maybe your ex cheated on you. Maybe they grew disinterested and withheld sex. Maybe they just didn't encourage you to pursue your dreams. Whatever you are holding against them, however they hurt you, you need to forgive them. And you also need to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for staying after you knew it was over. Forgive yourself for cheating. Forgive yourself for not trying hard enough. By all means, learn from your mistakes and you'll be a better partner next time around, but resentment towards yourself will stop you from moving on. And resentment toward your ex will grow into bitterness that will take up the space you need in your heart for positive emotions. 

-IF you have unexpressed feelings. Let it out! When I broke up with my partner of 2.5 years, I dealt with some incredible doubt and grief. Did I try hard enough? Should I have stayed longer? I wrote a long letter to my ex, begging him to give me another chance, and while it didn't result in us getting back together, it allowed me to share all of my feelings, and opened up an honest dialogue between us about the relationship and what it had meant to us. We both were able to share the love we have for each other and gain some much needed healing and closure. Write down your feelings. All the things you wish you would have said. Whether you deliver this letter or not will depend on your circumstances, but trust me, putting it on paper will help you discover the feelings you may not have known you had, and writing them down will help you feel that you've been heard, delivered or not. 

-IF you don't rediscover what you lost when you were in the relationship. Chances are great that you gave up something when you were in this relationship. Time is precious. Maybe you stopped going to dance classes, lost contact with a friend, or stopped working out as much as you used to. You probably gave up something you valued in order to dedicate yourself to your partner. Take your time now to rediscover that passion. Reconnect with that friend. Find the joy that they brought into your life and reinvest in those things. Fall back in love with yourself and the good things in your life and resist the temptation to spend your time in bitterness, sadness, and Facebook-stalking your ex.  

-If you keep the pain to yourself. I know you don't want to be a burden on your friends. They listened as you tried to make the difficult decision to end the relationship or as you wondered why your partner was growing distant. This may be the time to visit a professional.  After each of my serious break-ups I went to a professional counselor in Chicago. He helped me take ownership of things that I could have done differently, deal with past hurts that were keeping me from being fully open with my partners, and recognize unhealthy patterns. And he helped me get my career back on track, deal with other damaged relationships in my life, etc. You'll be surprised what surfaces when you have a truly objective but sympathetic person listening to you open up your heart and mind for analyses and guiding you through the cluttered minefield of your post-breakup mind. Tears will fall, and you'll make observations on yourself that you won't need them to make for you. It can be incredibly healing. 

You're Never Gonna Get Over Your Ex. 

No really, this time it's the whole statement. Everyone who has meant something in our lives is carried with us in our heart forever. You'll never completely block them out. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is a wonderful movie based on the premise of a future where we erase our exes from our memories to escape the pain. But each relationship brings something into our lives. Each of my exes taught me something about myself, or about relationships, or brought new people into my lives that I can now not imagine my life without. When you hand your heart over to someone, they will return it to you bruised and missing pieces. But the holes they've left will be filled with pieces of them, and the lessons learned will never be unlearned. You'll never stop thinking of them when you see a certain movie or walk past a city park. So when this happens, say a prayer of love for them, send a little love and light out into the universe for them, and then move on. Keep opening up your heart to new experiences and new people rather than holding on to the past, and in time, though the scars will remain, your heart will heal.