Stop Regina George: 3 Strategies for Silencing Your Inner Bully
A few weeks ago, I agreed to help a new
friend with some music by accompanying them. I showed up for our time after a
frustrating morning show and a frustrating rehearsal and I was already off my
game. We started with an unfamiliar piece with changing key and time
signatures, and I faltered. With every wrong note I played, I grew more timid
and unsure, while my singer friend kept trying to push me along. Needless to
say, my lack of confidence fed into further failure, and I didn't play anywhere
near as well as I'm capable. I left our session even more downtrodden.
"You're a fraud, David," I told myself. "You couldn't play that
music! You’re terrible! You shouldn't even cash the check." Had the singer
said the awful things to me that I was saying to myself, I would have burst
into tears. "If we treated our friends the way
we treat ourselves, we’d all be in jail.” -unknown Why do we put up with this bullying from
ourselves? And what can we do about it? I’d like to share 3 real-life
strategies I’ve been working on for silencing my Regina George.
Karen: God. My hips are huge!
So many mornings, I look in the mirror
and find something to pick apart, something to hate. You do too, don’t
you?
What if we started looking for the good things? When I look in the mirror, I see how much I’ve grown, even just in the past six months. Even an extra bit of fat can remind me of the good times I’ve had with new friends! If I can put it in perspective, I’m in the best condition I’ve ever been, and there are so many things to celebrate. Which leads to my second strategy:
A few weeks ago, I wrote down 10 times
in my life that I felt like a total winner. I'll share one: On the day I was
returning to the US from vacation in Costa Rica, I picked up my voicemail in
Miami and heard that The Met Opera had been trying to reach me about a contract
they'd sent me. It had arrived while I was gone, so I hadn't replied and they
were following up. What?!?! The Met wanted to hire ME?!?! It was about to turn
my life upside down and I felt like a total winner. I can think back on that
day and feel those emotions again. I jumped up and down in the airport and
couldn't wipe the smile off my face! Now, when I'm having a bad day, I can
open my #winning Note on my iPhone (OK, I haven't posted it on my refrigerator yet) and think back to experience a time when I
was a winner. People with a history of winning can win again, right?!
In this video, Regina George compliments a girl on her skirt. "Vintage. Adorable." Then turns to Cady and says "That's the ugliest F-ing skirt I've ever seen." and smiles. Somehow, I feel this scene has come to define how we look at compliments. We assume that whatever someone just told us, they're saying the opposite a minute later. So we brush it off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfLSjobM9bg
My dear college friend Danielle once stopped me after I brushed off a compliment and said "David, you just need to learn to say thank you and accept a compliment." From that day, I’ve made an effort to respond graciously, but there has still been a rebuttal playing there in my head. “You sounded great!” “Thanks,” I respond, but in my mind I’m thinking about every word I missed or note I flubbed. “Your arms are getting huge” leads me to think about my love handles I haven’t gotten rid of. My mind qualifies every compliment and tempers it with an insult so that I never truly believe I’m doing very well at all. 
But, when I’m with my true friends, trusted coworkers and family, and I tell them they’re looking great or they did a great job, I MEAN IT! I don’t pay bullshit compliments! I can’t! I’m a terrible liar! I’d rather be silent than think of something untrue to say. Isn’t the same true of you? So why are we unable to accept and believe these compliments from people we trust, if we expect them to do the same for us? Of my three strategies, I confess that this is the hardest for me. It’s a serious mental shift to choose belief over doubt. To believe that people who love us would say something to build us up without harboring a negative thought in their head. But not only is it likely true, it’s just a better way to live! The people I surround myself with are not fake high school drama queens like Regina George, they’re honest, sincere people who want the best for me.
Moving toward Self-Love and Acceptance is a lifelong journey. And I certainly don't have it figured out. But as I put these strategies into practice, I see myself moving through times of shame and hurt more quickly. I see myself bounce back to a healthy place, and a place from which I can continue to move forward. I'm able to take on new risk and challenge and continue to grow. I hope they help you in some of the same ways.
Much Love,
David
1. PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE
A couple days after the piano incident, I was able to reason with myself and realize that I'd done the best I was capable of doing on that day. One of Don Miguel Ruiz’s “Four Agreements” that I try to live by is “Always Do Your Best.” But that comes with knowing that your best will vary from day today! Life's frustrations and disappointments affect us, and when I realized that I had done my best that day, although it hadn’t been what I would have liked, I was able to put this incident to rest and move on. This certainly isn’t easy when I’m wrapped up in the moment, but the sooner I can talk myself through my disappointment, the healthier!Karen: God. My hips are huge!What if we started looking for the good things? When I look in the mirror, I see how much I’ve grown, even just in the past six months. Even an extra bit of fat can remind me of the good times I’ve had with new friends! If I can put it in perspective, I’m in the best condition I’ve ever been, and there are so many things to celebrate. Which leads to my second strategy:
2. CELEBRATE SUCCESS. CREATE A #WINNING LIST.
3. DON’T JUST ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT, BELIEVE IT
My dear college friend Danielle once stopped me after I brushed off a compliment and said "David, you just need to learn to say thank you and accept a compliment." From that day, I’ve made an effort to respond graciously, but there has still been a rebuttal playing there in my head. “You sounded great!” “Thanks,” I respond, but in my mind I’m thinking about every word I missed or note I flubbed. “Your arms are getting huge” leads me to think about my love handles I haven’t gotten rid of. My mind qualifies every compliment and tempers it with an insult so that I never truly believe I’m doing very well at all.
But, when I’m with my true friends, trusted coworkers and family, and I tell them they’re looking great or they did a great job, I MEAN IT! I don’t pay bullshit compliments! I can’t! I’m a terrible liar! I’d rather be silent than think of something untrue to say. Isn’t the same true of you? So why are we unable to accept and believe these compliments from people we trust, if we expect them to do the same for us? Of my three strategies, I confess that this is the hardest for me. It’s a serious mental shift to choose belief over doubt. To believe that people who love us would say something to build us up without harboring a negative thought in their head. But not only is it likely true, it’s just a better way to live! The people I surround myself with are not fake high school drama queens like Regina George, they’re honest, sincere people who want the best for me.
Moving toward Self-Love and Acceptance is a lifelong journey. And I certainly don't have it figured out. But as I put these strategies into practice, I see myself moving through times of shame and hurt more quickly. I see myself bounce back to a healthy place, and a place from which I can continue to move forward. I'm able to take on new risk and challenge and continue to grow. I hope they help you in some of the same ways.
Much Love,
David
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