Shirts Off!

Here's one of the only shirtless photos I could find of myself pre-Mark Fisher Fitness. (Let's just ignore that my shorts are pulled up past my belly button. Goodness knows what that was about.) I was 10. Before junior high, when a combination of bullying and self-consciousness put an end to a carefree attitude about my body. As you can see, I have a caved-in chest, known as pectus excavatus, or "pigeon chest". Around 4th grade, I remember noticing that I didn't look like everyone else and started keeping my body covered. I'd wear my gym clothes under my school clothes so I wouldn't even have to be shirtless in the locker room. When we played "shirts and skins" basketball, I prayed to be on the "shirts" team. Here I am at a birthday party with my towel at my armpits to cover my "deformity."

As research for this blog post, I scanned through digital photos from my 10 years in Chicago and couldn't find a single shirtless photo. My body shame led me to train for marathons and occasionally attempt a weight training routine, but I never got over my resistance to being seen without a shirt.

In 2013, I won Mark Fisher Fitness' Snatched Before/After photo contest, and suddenly shirtless photos of me were all over the Internet. Problem solved, right? Well, not quite.

I maintained my snatched results for at least 6 months until I got a boyfriend, then got laid off, gave up my apartment and moved in with the BF, started working at a restaurant, and started claiming I was "bulking," which the BF called "David doesn't wanna track calories." In the course of a few months, I put on muscle, yes, but also more weight than I'd lost during snatched. I started to feel uncomfortable in my skin again, though I was happy in my relationship, and when a MFF "Pants Optional Party" came along, I consciously skipped it because I'd put on too much weight and didn't want the Ninjas to see me. I didn't feel I was living up to my reputation as a Snatched winner. Layer that shame on the shame of my weight gain and I was in a serious shame spiral.

January 2015. I got dumped and had about 20lbs I wanted to lose. I couldn't afford to do Snatched again, and I felt I had the skills to do it on my own. I started a mix of weightlifting, treadmill intervals, and MFF classes. My friend Sarah started an accountability group where we posted our results weekly and encouraged each other to show up. I posted my progress photos to the group, and then to Facebook. I acknowledged the shame I felt over putting on that weight, and at the same time celebrated my dedication to taking it off. After 2 months, I'd lost the 20lbs and felt back on track. I signed up for Snatched 2, where I struggled to eat healthy because I discovered I could "get away" with more ice cream and alcohol and still make progress because I was working out so much. I ended up a little disappointed that my results weren't as dramatic as Snatched 1, but still felt like I wouldn't be ashamed at the beach.

After 4 months, I stopped tracking my calories, and decided I wanted to live a more Plan B lifestyle, eating intuitively. Last summer, I even got up the courage to wear a short swimsuit I'd bought 2 years before and never worn. Then a photo of me on the beach shirtless got posted online and I entered the shame spiral again. Is that really how I look?! Oh god. Setback!!

I untagged the photo and set back into fall season with new motivation. I experimented with new foods from the farmer's market. I did meal-prep and carried my meals to school. I got so consistent with so many things.

January 2016. I was feeling a little bored with kettlebell classes. I'd achieved all of the headbands, I was changing up my classes adding snatches and advanced moves, but I'd really started to gain some ground in the free weights (like a November 405lb deadlift in Elizabeth Stacey's LiftLab.) I was starting to love lifting and stop feeling uncomfortable at NYSC where I was doing most of my sessions.  Along with this, I set goals for myself in January: a new half marathon PR, a deadlift PR, how many times a week I would work out, etc. and I started updating Facebook with my progress toward these goals on the first of each month. Just sharing what I'm working on with all my friends holds me more accountable!

I switched over my MFF membership to Semi-Privates, and started to soak up some of the wisdom of the trainers. In one of my first sessions Kyle addressed my pectus excavatus by name, and began to teach me how to work WITH my body's natural imbalances. I nearly cried at the time, because it was a source of so much shame; but it feels good to acknowledge it rather than pretend it doesn't exist! Landen designed crazy hard programs for me; Michael became my almost constant companion, pushing me to better form, bigger lifts and PRs (telling me convincingly that I'm an inspiration to him), and more importantly, helping me examine my role as a ninja at MFF. We talked about what it means to take on the mantle of leadership, and whether I wanted to do that. I decided to step up my efforts as a snatched cheerleader, plan more Unicorn Glories events, be vulnerable more often within N4N, and I started a small FB group for gay guys who struggle with gay male body image.

Summer 2016 came, and for the first time, I posted a shirtless photo that was not a gym progress photo. A photo I was proud of, in which I actually thought I looked good with my shirt off.

Then I walked into a semi-private with Staci Jackson a month ago, and she said "something is different about you. You're more present. Is it Fire Island or are you dating someone?" I didn't give it much thought until 2 weeks later another ninja said to me "When did I meet you? 2 years ago? You'd just lost your job. Well anyway, you're completely different. Your face, your smile, your presence. You look great." Then a former personal trainer told me when he met me "You have a great body. I can tell you take care of it." And I thought a moment, let it soak in, and agreed with him! I do take care of my body! Last week, a friend of mine told his friend "You should see photos of David's body transformation" and the friend said to me, "Really? I wouldn't have expected that. You just carry yourself with such confidence." I'm starting to show up differently in the world, and people are noticing.

At some point this year, my work at the gym stopped being about "fixing" my body or molding it into something else, and became more about celebrating my body, challenging it, and really allowing myself to feel strong. There are still days when I hate the pudge around my waist, or lament the fact that I can't see my abs yet, or the fact that my right pec is a little smaller and my pigeon chest is still there, but knowing my strength has helped me start to embrace my body.

"You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness." -Brene Brown

When I compare my current photos to old photos, I don't love everything that I see, but I see that my body is changing, and I did that. I'm proud of my accomplishment in a way that feels new. I've believed in my body as a priority and given it time, and I'm seeing results. A friend asked me last week "how do you stay so consistent with your weight training?" And I told them "because I know what I can do. I know my PR on each lift. And I know what I lifted last week. And where my 75-80% training range is. And I know I can keep getting better, do more." 1% Better Every Day has started to make sense to me in so many ways, and it's helping me love my body, "flaws" and all, more each day.