An Open Letter to My Family on the 2016 Presidential Election

Dear Immediate Family,

A few weeks ago, a friend confronted me about a situation in which they felt disrespected by something I did at their house when I was a guest. I apologized, accepting 100% of the blame, avoided conflict, and brushed under the rug. But as I thought more about it, I really felt was that there were two perspectives; if the shoe had been on the other foot, and I had been the host, I would've felt completely differently about that particular action. We were operating on different assumed host/guest rules, but in order to remain liked, and to be "the nice one" I took all the blame. I made myself small and apologized for something that I didn’t really believe was wrong, rather than open up a conversation that would’ve helped both of us learn more about each other and our friendship. 

As I discussed this situation with a friend who is a coach, he introduced me to a model of Conflict Management, and I was able to identify my behavior in this situation as “Accommodating.” Because I had high concern for the relationship (I care about this friend), I allowed him to “win,” made myself the “loser,” and signaled that I didn’t have great concern for the issue at hand, the particular behavior.

I have been avoiding talking to you about the 2016 Presidential Election, because there were some issues brought up in this election that I deeply care about, and knowing that the people I care about voted for a different candidate than I did has proved to be quite hurtful; it feels personal. Because I care so much about the issues, I have felt that any conversation about the election would only lead to fighting (“Competing”) and would likely make me feel worse about the decisions that led you to vote for Donald Trump. This has led me to avoid talking to you at all, signaling (consciously or subconsciously) that I don’t care. When my nephews Facetimed me on Thanksgiving, someone shouted out “Thanks for the new President” (there were so many people in the room that I’m not sure who said it.) Assuming that you all know how passionately I support Hillary Clinton, I was hurt by this comment, and avoided family even more after that day. I did not have any plans to travel to Ohio at or around the holidays, and I actively decided that day that I would not travel home in January as I have done in the past several years.

This letter is an attempt to explain why the Presidential Election of 2016 was so important to ME. It cannot be a comprehensive comment on the election or the campaigns, but it can be an explanation of the hurt that I still feel over HRC’s loss to Donald Trump. It’s my hope that by putting this down and sharing it, you can better understand who I am as a human, what I value, and how we can better care for each other. This is my attempt to open up, be more vulnerable, and be more present in my relationships with my family. I don’t know how many of you will read this with an open mind and click through to some of the articles. I’ve tried to use a wide variety of media sources, because I know there’s a lot of mistrust of the “liberal media” right now. The best answer I have to that is this article written by a Wheaton grad for the Washington post.

ISSUE ONE: The Most Personal: I’M GAY

Let’s start here. Everyone in my family knows I’m gay. While HRC strongly supported LGBT Equality, Donald Trump has said he would consider overturning the Supreme Court’s decision on Gay Marriage, and chose as his running-mate the anti-LGBT Mike Pence.

• Trump Said He Would “Strongly Consider” Appointing Judges To Overturn Same-Sex Marriage Decision. Asked on Fox News Sunday “WALLACE: But -- but just to button this up very quickly, sir, are you saying that if you become president, you might try to appoint justices to overrule the decision on same-sex marriage?” TRUMP: “I would strongly consider that, yes.” [Fox News Sunday, 1/31/2016; VIDEO]
• Mike Pence said gay couples signaled ‘societal collapse.’ In 2006, as head of the Republican Study Committee, Pence rose in support of a constitutional amendment that would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman. Pence said in his speech, “societal collapse was always brought about following an advent of the deterioration of marriage and family.” Pence also called being gay a choice and said keeping gays from marrying was not discrimination, but an enforcement of “God’s idea.”
• Pence opposed The Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which would have banned discrimination against people based on sexual orientation. Pence voted against that law in 2007 and later said the law “wages war on freedom and religion in the workplace.”

 I have accepted that you believe, based on your reading of and belief in the infallibility of The Bible, that homosexuality is a sin (though this is not a view shared by all people who study the Bible. READ MORE) I accept that you do not support gay marriage in your church, but this is something that has already been settled by The Supreme Court, the highest court of law in a land started by the Pilgrim’s search for religious freedom. Do you believe that they should not make decisions about whether gay marriage is legal? Do you believe that America is a land where we should legislate our personal religious beliefs and force them on everyone? I believe that the greatest freedom for Christianity comes from fighting for all religions’ freedom. Isn’t our freedom less meaningful if it isn’t shared by Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, and yes, even Atheists? 

Martin Niemöller (1892–1984) was a prominent Protestant pastor who emerged as an outspoken public foe of Adolf Hitler and spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps. Niemöller is perhaps best remembered for the quotation:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

 

Shouldn’t Christians be the most outspoken proponents of freedom? Didn’t our ancestors board The Mayflower seeking a place where they could serve God in the way they chose, and others could do the same?
(I will confess that the gay marriage question has long led me to wonder whether, if I ever get married, I will invite my family. Knowing that you don’t fundamentally support my “gay lifestyle,” would it hurt more to invite you to my wedding and have you decline than to not invite you at all? I don’t know yet. But your votes for one of the most anti-gay Presidential tickets in history may have given me some information.) 

ISSUE TWO: The Most Important: WOMEN

• HRC, who has served the US in a long career of public service, was dragged through the mud over many things, but the press also vilified her for staying with her cheating husband, while they said almost nothing about the infidelity and multiple marriages of Trump. Shouldn’t a woman who has exercised forgiveness in the face of infidelity be praised rather than condemned? Isn’t forgiveness a key component of Christianity?
• Trump advocated sexual assault against women: “Trump: You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Bush: Whatever you want. Trump: Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
• Trump called a former Miss Universe winner “Miss Piggy.” "She was the winner and you know, she gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem. We had a real problem."
• According to a poll of 750 professional women, more than three out of four said they feel gloomier about their career prospects after the election of Donald Trump. On the flip side, just 8% of women said they feel better about their work future post-election. 

I was raised to respect women. My teachers: Miss Downs, Mrs. LaPrarie, Mrs. Bannister, Miss Rothaar, Miss Trumbull, Mrs. Thompson, Mrs. Quinn, Miss Quinn, Mrs. Mahalik, and many, many more. Dr. Rediger, Dr. Robertson and Dr. Rousselow were the most formative professors in my time at Taylor. Locker room or not, I would never have said “grab ‘em by the pussy” about any of these women. I knew that this language was not acceptable, and I still don’t speak about women this way. I don’t call them “bimbo” or any of a number of offensive things. I value the women in my life: friends, family, and coworkers, and want our country to continue moving FORWARD in its treatment of women, not backwards.

I was also raised to believe that what we say matters. 

Max Lucado (a Christian author I read much of in my HS and college years) said this: “Could concerns not be raised about other Christian candidates? Absolutely. But the concern of this article is not policy, but tone and decorum. When it comes to language, Mr. Trump is in a league of his own. “It is out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks,” Jesus said. Let speech befit the call. We, as Christians, would do well to summon any Christian leader to a higher standard. This includes pastors (especially this one), teachers, coaches and, by all means, presidential candidates.”

How can we raise the next generation, including my nieces and nephews, to speak respectfully to and about women if we believe that this man is worthy of the most powerful position in the free world? And how can we send the message to little girls that they can work hard and do anything they want in life if we vote for a man who’s never served in the government over a woman who has spent her entire life in service to her country?

ISSUE THREE: The Most Dangerous: Racism

Trump fired up voters with an US vs. THEM attitude, turning on Black Lives Matter protesters, Muslims, Mexicans, Syrian refugees, and even mocking a disabled reporter. His “Make America Great Again” slogan implied that The USA: The Great Melting Pot, is now being made less than great by people who are not white. I’m not here to argue for illegal immigration, but for decent treatment of everyone who is here in our country, regardless of status. The way we speak about people influences the way that the public will treat them.

• THE TRUMP EFFECT: Teaching Tolerance conducted a survey of approximately 2,000 K-12 teachers. More than two-thirds of the teachers reported that students—mainly immigrants, children of immigrants and Muslims—have expressed concerns or fears about what might happen to them or their families after the election. In Virginia, an elementary school teacher says students are “crying in the classroom and having meltdowns at home.” In Oregon, a K-3 teacher says her black students are “concerned for their safety because of what they see on TV at Trump rallies.” In North Carolina, a high school teacher says she has “Latino students who carry their birth certificates and Social Security cards to school because they are afraid they will be deported.” In Tennessee, a kindergarten teacher says a Latino child—told by classmates that he will be deported and trapped behind a wall—asks every day, “Is the wall here yet?”
• Teens picked up on Trump’s message and chanted “Build That Wall” at a volleyball game against a mostly Hispanic opponent.
• This Trump supporter yelled at Latino protesters: “Go f**king cook my burrito, bitch. Go f**kin make my tortilla bitch, and build that f**kin wall.”
• Racist hate crimes are on the rise since the election. 

I think we can all agree that racial tensions are high in America. This may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility. We will live with the consequences, and so it falls on us (all of us) to do something about it. The Leader of the Free World needs to set a tone for the country that brings people together, not divides. We need to celebrate the diversity of this great country, because that’s what Makes America Great! That we can live and love alongside Catholics, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Syrian-Americans, African-Americans, people of every shade of skin, creed, religion, sexual orientation. We all have the right to the “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

ISSUE FOUR: The Most Misunderstood: Abortion

I hesitate to approach this issue. It may seem that we are far apart when actually, I think we’re closer on the actual result we’d like to see. Believe it or not, I’ve been Pro-Life all of my life. I don’t want abortions to happen, and neither does Hillary Clinton. Liberals and Democrats are painted as murderous abortion lovers who want to kill babies, but that’s completely unfair. BOTH YOU AND I WANT AN END RESULT OF FEWER ABORTIONS, WITH ZERO BEING THE IDEAL NUMBER. We just have a different belief about how we can achieve this end result. The Liberal approach is to lessen abortions by addressing its’ causes: poverty, contraception, etc. The Conservative approach is simply to outlaw abortion, but this doesn’t address the unplanned pregnancies in families that are unprepared to care for these children; we haven’t addressed the root of the problem. And in many cases, these same conservatives also want to cut funding for programs that support these poor families.  

• Donald Trump said “You can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month, on the final day.” Doctors say the scenario Mr. Trump described does not occur. “That is not happening in the United States,” said Dr. Aaron B. Caughey, chairman of obstetrics and gynecology at Oregon Health and Science University. “It is, of course, such an absurd thing to say,” he said. “I’m unaware of anyone that’s terminating a pregnancy a few days prior to delivery of a normal pregnancy.” READ MORE. 
• There is a Federal Law against Partial Birth Abortion. It was passed in 2003 and upheld in 2007 by the Supreme Court. 
• Poor women have more abortions. The only reliable way to lower the overall number of abortions women get is to make contraception accessible and affordable. Study after study shows this.
•  Abortions rose steadily during the tenure of the first "pro-life" Republican President, Ronald Reagan. They reached their highest level under President H. W. Bush. Abortions then dropped dramatically under President Clinton, falling to 60% of the high under his pro-life Republican predecessor. That downward trend stalled during most of President W. Bush's tenure, and remained basically flat until the final two years of his term when Democrats retook Congress. And then abortions plunged again under Obama, falling to their lowest point in 40 years. READ MORE.

You see, I believe that electing Hillary Clinton could have literally saved lives.

In many ways, I’m sorry that I didn’t write or call or have these conversations with you before the election. I was actually holding out hope that having a gay son/brother/brother-in-law might lead you to think differently about Donald Trump and his rhetoric. But now I know that your Facebook newsfeeds were probably filled with the hateful anti-Hillary rhetoric and memes (much of it based on false or incomplete information), just as mine was filled with notifications of every vile thing Trump had ever said or done (to be fair, this was often on video or in a Tweet, so it didn’t have to be falsified). Your Red newsfeed was painting DT as the savior of Christianity and the protector of the church just as my Blue newsfeed was painting HRC as the only option to continue social progress. I had so much hope that after a Black President, we could have a Women President. That America was making progress toward considering all people equal. I’m now filled with dread that we’ll slide back toward divisiveness and even open hatred. Racism and homophobia will be on the rise as people feel encouraged to “say what they think” like their President-Elect does in his many Twitter rants.

These are the words of Jesus that I read so many times growing up (Matthew 5):

³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
    For they shall be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
    For they shall inherit the earth.

⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    For they shall be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
    For they shall obtain mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
    For they shall see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
    For they shall be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
¹¹"Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. ¹²Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

Out of this, I take values of KINDNESS, INTEGRITY, PATIENCE, MERCY, and FORGIVENESS. These are the values of the Jesus I know. These are values you can build Policy on. These are values that bring people together, that seek to build up, not tear down. And although I may not read the Bible the same way you do, these are still the central values of Christianity that I hold dear, and that is why I remain sad, angry, and confused by the votes of my family and the Christians who surrounded me growing up. This has been a huge source of discussion with friends who share my beliefs. So many of us come from Evangelical Christian households where DT was lifted up as the Christians’ candidate, and this has been so hard for us to understand (and I’m sharing this letter to my blog hoping that it serves as encouragement for some of them.) Some urged me not to waste time arguing with people who seems set in their beliefs, but I felt it was time for me to stand up and begin articulating where my pursuit of Truth has led me. If I don’t share this with you, if you don’t have any contact with people who believe differently than you, how can I be upset with the conclusions you’ve reached?


I don’t know what the next step is for us. This letter may fall on deaf ears. But I hope that the time and energy that I have put into this will be seen as a sign of love. I do want you to know me and know more about my beliefs and values. I cannot continue to avoid talking about meaningful things with you. The weather in NY and OH just isn’t interesting enough to sustain adult conversation. :) I love you, and I want to continue making the country a better place for my nieces and nephews, and possibly my own children someday. I hope that even if we disagree on the course of action required, we can find common ground in these values and work together to improve the plight of the less fortunate around us. I cared deeply about this election because I care deeply about people. The people near me and the people far from me. The people who bring me joy, and the people who annoy me. The people who agree with me, and the people who don’t. I want a better America for all of those people, and I’m willing to work for it. I think that’s what Jesus wants from us, don’t you?


With Love,
David